I left because I wanted to be the one to start the leaving. Somehow, I thought it would be easier if I initiated the breaking. Because I felt like I was the only one who would think twice about leaving and would have stayed just to be near the people who know me best. I left because I thought I was ready to stand on my own. When I said goodbye to Provo, I was at the top of my game, and I was sure I was ready to initiate the next experiences and relationships in my life.
But I didn't anticipate the lost feeling that came with graduation and the realization that I was rushing growing up for no reason. Because really I can't think of a single reason for my stagnant year at home.
Other than the practicality of saving money, which I honestly don't care very much about, this sometimes feels like a waste of a year.
My confidence was eaten up in the days of nothingness. It sometimes seemed like college never happened, that I was never the person I loved when I was at school.
Maybe the leaving didn't work because too many people I love were still in Provo. It's not fun to experience so many new things if you don't have anyone to tell. I mean really tell--in a way that goes beyond talk, just catching up, or common courtesy.
Maybe there isn't a reason for my geographical location this past year. I'm okay with that.
I guess I just wanted some clarity because I felt so strongly that Provo and I were done with each other that I thought something big was brewing.
That's yet to come to fruition.
A few weekends ago, I was visiting Provo, and I found myself missing it. It had been my home for so long, and I'd forgotten how safe the entire city felt.
But I don't want to go back. I need a good fight. I've got to conquer something real to feel on top again.
