Remember when...

Remember when I tried to make "Nuclear Mushroom Cloud"* into the best expletive/excited phrase ever? Needless to say that one didn't really catch on.

*To be said in a nerdy, almost obnoxious, 1950's kind of voice.

Today's Obsession: Songs from TV Shows

I have an extreme weakness for television programs connected to music. And as my list of favorite songs from TV shows indicates, I love songs tinged with melancholy. Is it weird that sad songs make me so happy? Maybe. But I think that sad songs are full of hope--they wouldn't be so sad if love wasn't real or pain couldn't be overcome. Forlorn tunes connect people in a deeply personal way; it shows we're not alone in what we are feeling. So indulge me as I share some of the songs I still play on repeat.

 

#5 "All I Needed" The Naked Brothers Band

Don't let their name fool you. These boys are geniuses. Alex Wolff wrote this at age 12. Doesn't that blow your mind a little bit? That's why I am proud to admit that I watched The Naked Brothers Band, a show about young friends with a band.

 

#4 "Video Games" by Lana Del Rey

When I first heard this song on Gossip Girl, I was instantly smitten. The raw honesty of her voice and the story was perfect for a scene in which Chuck Bass surrenders his heart to Blair Waldorf, and for once, asks nothing in return. I think the heart of this song is about being honest with yourself, which I find remarkable and beautiful.

 

#3 "I Still Love You" by Alexz Johnson

There was once a time when I could not get enough of the Canadian Instant Star. And the music was [still is] a major part of the obsession. The show was about a girl who found fame on a talent show and featured songs that were written in connection to the storyline. It was really hard for me to decide which song I liked best, but in the end this one won. I cried when my brother deleted the episode in which this song was reprised from the DVR. Mostly because I was in love with the love story. So thank you, Tommy and Jude, for giving me lyrics like: I know rocks turn to sand and hearts can change hands and you're not to blame when the sky fills with rain.

 

#2 "Signs" by Bloc Party

Here is another perfect song from Gossip Girl. It affects me every single time, but despite the melancholy, I can't wait to hear it again. It is also the perfect song to listen to when you need a good cry. It's another song that is connected with the love story of Chuck and Blair. The song played in the background of a scene where all Chuck does is give Blair an anguished look; it is all he can muster when he realizes he's an orphan and alone. [To be read with a straight face if at all possible. It's a teen soap--it's supposed to be over-the-top.] Her embrace is so tender; it makes the song that much more meaningful for me. (I know I have too much affinity for Chuck and Blair, but there are only 7 episodes left, so I am going to treasure our fake friendship for just a little bit longer.)

 

#1 "You'll Ask For Me" by Tyler Hilton

So I didn't actually watch One Tree Hill when this song was on, but it still came from the show, and I love it. I had this song on a CD in my truck, and I am pretty sure I played it constantly for at least 4 months. And that's not an exaggeration. I think this song is pure and simple genius. I haven't decided if I want to be singing it or have someone to sing it to me, but in the meantime I am going to play it on repeat.

I realize that I didn't explain myself very well, but in all honesty, this list was just for me. These songs tell so much about the Avrielle of right now. And I want to remember. I need to remember the struggles and hopes of this time of the great unknown. Because really it is very exciting thinking that I am free to do anything and that I will never have this freedom again. Sometimes I just need to push away the fear and remind myself of all that can be ahead.

I also think these songs prove I need to find my wounded man. It will either cure me of the obsession or give me my epic love.

Post Script

To summarize my last post, I am not a genius or Helen of Troy. And that's quite all right.

On Make-up

Recently, I went to lunch with my sister and was hit with a realization I still don't know how to deal with. She just started her freshman year at BYU, so we were talking about school and studying. Somehow, I brought up my procrastination. A large portion of my procrastination is a result of my self-handicapping. Self-handicapping is a psychological theory that explains how people save their self-esteem by attributing results to external factors, not internal ability. I am one of the biggest culprits. My procrastination allowed me to say "I did great on that test for just looking over my notes 20 minutes before" or "I must be a really great writer because I only spent a few hours on that." My imperfection and non-4.0-gpa was never a reflection of my own true ability or intelligence, which I guess I value more than my study ethic (Although I have great work ethic--all the group projects I saved are proof. And yes, group work is VERY different than studying).

Getting back to the epiphany, while I briefly explained this to my sister, in the back of my mind I instantly connected it to the physical side of beauty. As I stared at my pasta, I realized I may self-handicap myself every single day. My lack of make-up and effortless hair might be a form of this. It allows me to see myself as not truly inferior because I am not actually trying. When I see girls that are beautiful, I am okay with not being on the same level because I know they spent a long time on their looks and I didn't. Now I am really hesitant to believe that my natural look is a form of self-handicapping. I have always just considered it a style choice and personal preference. But now I don't know.

That little nagging thought has me thinking that I should try harder. I haven't changed anything, but on Saturday when someone asked who I was and if I was in high school at my dad's company party, it made me think that make-up might make me look my age. And it might give me the confidence to go for the higher professional positions I know I could handle, but that my resume doesn't prove that I could.

I don't know what this musing really means, but I know that it was important. It's like the thought was just knocking at the door of my head-space. I guess I might be ready to be realistic about reality and what people--men in particular--tend to expect.

Let's be real though. I will never wear very much make-up. It's just not me. I will probably be better about washing my face every day though.

"I am a solitary because I know things and must hint at things which other people do not know, and usually do not even want to know. Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible."
                     --Carl Jung