Oh, hi there.

I'm starting to feel just a little bit stuck. It's crept in slowly and is slowly overtaking my ambition. I don't know how to start things anymore. Like this post. It's rough going.

There's nothing really wrong, things just don't feel quite as good as they used to be. The other night I was thinking that it's ludicrous that I'm not always ecstatic about my life. Because come on, man-buns are a thing! And somehow I still have two packets of Pumpkin Pie Pop-tarts left.

Awhile back, I wrote about being afraid of being in the same place in a year...well I traced back and that was in 2013. Not much progress. To be fair, time is a nasty whirlwind that doesn't ever seem to abide by it's own rules, but maybe it's time for me to take stock of Av.

I found this picture the other night. I'm just a tiny afterthought in the corner frame, but I love who I was in that moment. It was taken at a Christmas party my best friend and I threw in 2011. (I can't even deal with that right now!) It'd be nice if our pictures were like Mr. Potter's; then I would know what had captured my excitement and imagination in that moment.  It's been a long time since I've been that hopeful. The mistletoe held promise not fear that night. It seemed that time and future were in my command. Even though the mirror in that house was a mega fat mirror (going home for Christmas that year and looking in a normal mirror was really freaky, but I digress), I still felt really good about my body. My grades were falling into place with minimal homework. The door seemed wide-opened for anything or anyone.

Now most days my door is closed.

I know how hard it is pick the locks I place and tear down the barriers I create, so I've stopped myself. But now what?

Distractions. I think that's what I've been surviving on since BYU. My job was still new. Salt Lake was still fresh. Everything was either being figured out or so full of possibility that I was endlessly distracted by all the impending intrigue.

And then I made nothing happen. The distractions amounted to nothing real. Nothing I could hang my hat on at the end of this often cliche 20-something life I get to enjoy.

I'm going to find a ballet class to attend. And read more literature and scriptures. And force myself to be creative again. Because right now I don't have the spark needed to plan big enough to satisfy that  girl, clad in vintage shoes, hosting a Christmas party.

Working up my courage to write something real...but in the meantime...

"Lonely people have enthusiasms which cannot always be explained. When something strikes them as funny, the intensity and length of their laughter mirrors the depth of their loneliness, and they are capable of laughing like hyenas. When something touches their emotions, it runs through them like Paul Revere, awakening feelings that gather into great armies."
                                 -- Mark Helprin, Winter's Tale

This line gets a little cheesy (much like the rest of the novel, unfortunately), but I agree with the sentiment.

I'm still laughing at an episode of The Middle from 2012. The youngest son Brick becomes obsessed with a book about the making of the movie adaptation of Love Story. He doesn't realize it was originally a book and has no intentions of ever seeing the movie. Comedic genius!

This Instagram from Mindy Kaling is also golden. Classic Justin Bobby reference. I would love to work on her writing staff.

And one more for good measure.

Today's Obsession: Songs with Bus References

Growing up, I didn't ride the school bus to elementary school. That could be why I find buses idyllic modes of transportation. They are third on my list of most romantic public transit options, just below planes and taxis. It really is strange how much songs with buses in the storyline affect me. The imagery is heightened to the extreme.

When I got Sounds of the Sixties for Christmas as a preteen, "Bus Stop" by The Hollies quickly became one of my all time favorite songs.

Someday my name and hers are going to be the same.

It's so tender and sweet, with a hint of something menacing underneath. I still like it.

The next song added to my repertoire doesn't exactly reference a bus, but I sang the song to myself while riding the buses on a family vacation to San Francisco because I like the line about the early morning subway train. This is the Hallmark Movie of the group: over-the-top, but I can't help but love and genuinely enjoy it.

Last month while I was visiting San Francisco again, I kept trying to figure out why I like this theme so much. I still really don't know. It might have to do with the idea of love at first sight. For no reason at all, I'm beginning to believe in it more.

The moment we forgot we were just good friends,

I moved my arm, her face went red again.

One more bus home, another silent weekend.

Baby, remember on the bus when my hand was on your knee

...

When you love somebody and bite your tongue all you get is a mouth full of blood.

I also recommend looking up the Live on KEXP version of this song. The folk adds a whole new depth.

At 24

They keep promoting me at work (sort of), and I think it's having the opposite affect of what they want. It's making me resent the metaphorical Man beyond my wildest Marxist dreams. It's opening my eyes up to the pointlessness of business and management and money. I only half hope this is a phase.

I haven't been on a date since 2012…did I just admit that on the internet?

I'm fairly certain that 95% of the population, especially my peers, will never understand my pop culture references. I'd be so much funnier if people watched the same shows as me.

I want to learn to cook without using recipes. And stop eating desserts and Pop-Tarts for dinner so often.

I like to scope out apartments in San Francisco and Portland on Craigslist.

Initially skeptical, I've come to really enjoy Korean dramas.

Church basketball has fostered my self-assurance more than anything else these past few months--and I'm no baller.

My parents are becoming more like my friends than my parents. It's been a good thing.

For the past few weeks, I've had more interest in going back to school. I'm considering mediation, psychology, or community education again.

I'm hunting for a signature leather jacket, preferably with a hood.

My best friend and I watched this movie twice in a row. Barefoot is adorable, has a semi-feral child, and is a must-see.

Most days, I still feel 17.

"You can't judge a book by it's cover." "No, but you can tell how much it's gonna cost."

On Sunday, I gave my first talk in the singles ward, and I think it's hilarious how much it expanded people's opinions of me.

It wasn't my best talk ever. I thought it was rather ordinary, could have used more spunk and storytelling.

But right after sacrament meeting, the bishop's wife came up to me and said something to the effect of, "That was great! You know you dress so fashionably, and I didn't know, but then you opened your mouth and these words came out. And you're the total package. You really are."

It was one of the strangest compliments I've ever gotten because growing up I was always known as the smart one. I don't think I've ever been seen the other way around--I didn't think people would be surprised that I'm intelligent.

Then tonight at FHE, one guy in my ward came up and said that he'd always thought I was very reserved, until he heard me speak. I get the reserved and shy part, especially because I haven't really made friends beyond my roommates and neighbors in this ward, but I don't understand why speaking in church had enough of an effect that he said something about it to me. I love people.

Parasite

Lately, I've been voraciously searching articles, movies, books, songs, and conversation for something I can't quite put my finger on. I find myself up way too late clicking on one more blog or song hoping I'll stumble on whatever it is I need to hear. I know it's not quite advice or a pep talk, and I know it's not just a story that feels like mine. It's like I'm constantly searching for something specific that will be life shifting in some way, but I have no idea what it is. The Way Way Back and The Secret Life of Walter Mitty come close. Keaton Henson and a few friends have gotten within striking distance, but no dice. Lately, I've been thinking that whatever I'm wanting or needing is going to come from me. I think a creation from my own mind will stifle the fear or doubt or whatever is living in my bones and making me so hungry. I resolve to start writing more.

Two Types of Crushes

In my opinion, there are really only two types of crushes. Celebrity Crushes and Classic School-Girl Crushes. The only thing that separates these two categories is the true intent behind the lust and obsession. In Celebrity Crushes, you just enjoy staring at them and daydreaming about them--deep down you know it would never work, so you don't actually want it to happen. The Classic School-Girl runs much deeper; in this type there is real expectation and real devastation when the crush doesn't stem into a real relationship. The stalking and staring and fantasizing are manifested identically on the outside, but it's the underlying desire and commitment that makes the difference.

I've had Celebrity Crushes on my friends and acquaintances. I don't want them to make a move or start liking me because I don't actually like them. I just find their aura charming and fun. Adorable is the word that comes up most frequently. I get all I want out of them just by knowing that they exist.

I've had one enduring Classic School-Girl Crush on a celebrity.

Shaun White.

Crushes are often unexplainable. They sort of just spring on you, and only then can you analyze all the little things that create the magic. This is definitely the case for Shaun White.

If we'd been in high school together, he is the guy that I would have spotted in the hall for no particular reason, and then kept seeing everywhere because I couldn't help myself, even though he's not really what I'd say is my type. I'd find him charming in class and probably exaggerate his intelligence after one insightful comment in English Lit. I'd stay up late and feverishly peruse all my yearbooks for pictures of him, and swear that I saw his appeal even in seventh grade.

When I first learned about Shaun White's existence, it was probably on a Celebrity Crush level, but the fact that I didn't grow out of it at 18 is further indication that it's actually a Classic School-Girl Crush.

I have this deep sense that we would get each other. I think our humor would compliment each others'. And honestly, I don't feel like the snowboarding and skateboarding is a big influence on my crush anymore. It's obviously a plus, but if he was the kind of guy who kept boarding after high school, that would more than fulfill my dreams.

I feel very loyal to Shaun White, which is very key in any of my friendships and a sure sign of any of my full-blown School-Girl Crushes. I support him no matter what. I'm always cheering for you Mr. White! That doesn't mean I condone everything--we definitely need something to argue about--because I haven't quite let go of the Breakfast Club daydream where we come together and truly fall in love after being unreasonably detained, probably on a plane.

To further illustrate my seriousness, I had made a promise to never write anything about Shaun White on the internet, just in case we meet one day. It'd be much easier to convince him I'm not a fangirl if this post had never been written, but oh well. I'll remember this when I'm finally ready for closure. I'm sure my embarrassment [if it ever comes, but it probably won't because I didn't gush] will one day help to incinerate any last shreds of hope.