A New Chapter in the Mormon Romance Genre

So I was going to post something really important, but I couldn't get the words right, so instead I wrote this.

I've been thinking about what the Mormon equivalent to online erotica would be, and I think I've got it. Celebrity conversion stories. It's fan fiction with the added element of the celebrity joining the church so you get your happy ending. A perfect marriage of the internet and obsessive Mormon girls.

My favorite story involves meeting Shaun White on a plane, getting snowboard lessons, going to the Olympics, and being interviewed by Barbara Walters about him joining the church and our marriage. Right now I'm not sure I'm invested enough to take the time to do that story justice, so here's a few rough snippets from my would-be novel about my musical soulmate. Picture an expanded version of this with several scenes in church foyers.

Welcome to the Brink

It was too simple, really: us meeting. I'd just seen your show and was winding through the streets trying to remember where I'd parked my car. You walked right passed me, and then turned and asked for directions.

Why you kept talking after I told you the bar was just around the corner still baffles me. But for whatever reason, you invited me to join you. In that moment I froze--mostly with fear--and tried to choke out a yes, while moving my head up and down.

I think you instantly regretted that invitation when I ordered a Diet Coke. You deny it now, but I saw your eyes go flat. And then you remembered you were in Salt Lake City.

"Are you Mormon?" you asked with raised eyebrows.

"Yes."

The air was momentarily tinged with awkwardness, but it dissipated the moment a radical fan-girl came and kissed you full on the mouth.

You blinked, trying to hide the cringe, and I bit my lip to keep from bursting out laughing.

And then, after you politely shrugged her off, we were friends. All it took was the ludicrousness of the moment to make you a real person and not a celebrity musician to me. I don't remember what else we talked about that night. Mostly about National Parks and motorcycles and how hot we like our salsa, I think. That was the beauty of it. It was easy and I didn't have to think about what to say next.

At the end of the night you kissed my hand, and as you turned to walk away, you rose the napkin I'd written my email and phone number on as if to salute the night.

Shaking my head, I walked away not quite believing any of it had happened.

...

It took you a month and a half to send me that first email. I'd written that whole night off as a grand legend to tell my future children, so I had no idea what to think when I saw your name in my inbox. The blood rushed to my fingers in anticipation as I clicked on the email.

Do you like the cinema? And what are your thoughts on Hawthorne?

I probably stared at the screen, knitting my eyebrows together, for a full nine minutes. I couldn't decide if it was the most ridiculous email ever or the most ridiculously perfect opening I'd ever heard.

I love films. The pictures are a highly underrated art form. As for Hawthorne, I don't understand the appeal of The Scarlet Letter, but I suppose I can't judge the man on one novel. 

We emailed fairly regularly until you came and took me to that movie at Sundance. You loved that the writer took lines from Shakespeare, Friends, and The Simpsons to tell the story of The Scarlet Letter. I thought I'd love it and really wanted to, but I still just don't understand the power of the story.

You came and saw my very average house. I tried to invite you to church, but you didn't accept. That didn't scare you off though. I think it led to our deep conversations that ultimately cemented our relationship.

...

When you took me to the Grand Canyon, I felt a change. It was a turning point in my confidence. For some reason, I felt strengthened to be myself completely and to be a better Latter-day Saint. It was all or nothing and I had to have it all.

Smiling down into the ruddy abyss of the Grand Canyon, I whispered, "Welcome to the brink."

...

"You're coming to LA this weekend," you told me without even saying hello on the phone.

"We just got back from Vienna; I'm not letting you fly me anywhere else."

"Then pay for the ticket yourself. I don't care. You're coming."

So I paid my way to sunny Los Angeles. When you picked me up at the airport, I knew you were excited about something. I tried to get it out of you, but you just picked me up into a gripping hug and told me it was nothing. You were just "happy to see me."

I wasn't buying that sentimentality from you, but I dropped it. You know how I love surprises.

You performed that night, and made me stand right in the middle of the crowd. "You'll give me courage. Now that I don't get drunk every time I perform, I need it."

So I danced and enjoyed the music and loved that I was supporting friends. I love when the crowd begs for an encore. I was looking around at everyone who had been bonded by the beauty of the music, when you said, "This one goes out to the strangest girl I know."

I whipped my head back to the stage and met your eyes with a stunned look. You winked and smiled that crooked smirk I can't resist. 

It was the most beautiful acoustic encore I've ever heard. I stopped dancing and just stared at you. I was completely floored by the song you debuted that night. The song that you'd written for me; for us, really. And then I started crying when you started the last verse with the words "welcome to the brink." I can't believe you heard my words. And I mean really heard them, because the song captures what I meant so well. It's a yielding out of love and pure desire. It's about making the decision once and for all and jumping in full force.

As soon as you finished the show, you jumped off the stage and came to me. I was still in the center of the room, unable to move. I reached up my hand to pull you into a hug, but stopped somewhere in the middle and dropped my hand. The things that had been building up combined, and I knew for sure that we were in agreement that we weren't just friends anymore and I didn't know what to do. And then you kissed me. 

...

As you like to say, you tried Mormon dating for 3 weeks. I think we had some of our greatest days during that time, but you couldn't give me everything that I wanted. And frankly, I don't think it was enough for you either. You couldn't give me the eternal marriage I'd always known I'd need. We weren't headed anywhere that would lead to a fairytale life for either of us. The day I decided to end our romantic relationship, the sun shone into your hair, and that's mostly what I remember. The image of you slightly turning away and squinting in the sun as I told you that I couldn't do it any more and we had to go back to being just friends. I was worried you wouldn't allow the change, that I wouldn't get to experience life with you in any way. Instead I got an "I'll try."

...

We were actually pretty good at being "just friends." We still went on vacation with the band. I'm thinking of the trip to Bryce Canyon. Have I ever told you that I love how much you love Bryce Canyon? You get all boyish and excited about it. On one such camping trip, the rest of the band went to take pictures, and we stayed back to get dinner going.

The red rocks through the smoke of the fire were beautiful, and I smiled as the wind ruffled my hair. I caught your eye as you were lounging in a chair, whistling a song.

You grinned, "Get over here."

I shook my head and skipped over, looking at you quizzically.

You pulled me onto your lap, grabbed my cheeks, and just looked at me.

"I'm ready, " you finally said.

"For what?" I whispered.

"You. I'm ready to know what makes you so complete. You know I'm scared of too much happiness but I love you too much not to explore something that makes so much sense to you. Sometimes I think I can feel it, especially when I'm discussing real things with you, but it's not enough. I need to figure it out for myself."

"You know a lot will change if you know what I know."

"Yeah, but it will be worth it. And I'll get to keep on loving you."

...

It's been four years since we first met on the street, and next week I'll get to call you my husband. You told me once that it took a long time for you to feel like you were joining the church because you felt it was the truth and not just to keep me in your life. Let me tell you, it was worth the wait.





Okay, I think this definitely takes top prize for being the most ridiculous thing I've ever written. And I wanted to make it flowery and metaphor-ridden, but I can't bring myself to waste more time on this. Like all great Lifetime original movies, hopefully it's awesomely bad.