On Make-up

Recently, I went to lunch with my sister and was hit with a realization I still don't know how to deal with. She just started her freshman year at BYU, so we were talking about school and studying. Somehow, I brought up my procrastination. A large portion of my procrastination is a result of my self-handicapping. Self-handicapping is a psychological theory that explains how people save their self-esteem by attributing results to external factors, not internal ability. I am one of the biggest culprits. My procrastination allowed me to say "I did great on that test for just looking over my notes 20 minutes before" or "I must be a really great writer because I only spent a few hours on that." My imperfection and non-4.0-gpa was never a reflection of my own true ability or intelligence, which I guess I value more than my study ethic (Although I have great work ethic--all the group projects I saved are proof. And yes, group work is VERY different than studying).

Getting back to the epiphany, while I briefly explained this to my sister, in the back of my mind I instantly connected it to the physical side of beauty. As I stared at my pasta, I realized I may self-handicap myself every single day. My lack of make-up and effortless hair might be a form of this. It allows me to see myself as not truly inferior because I am not actually trying. When I see girls that are beautiful, I am okay with not being on the same level because I know they spent a long time on their looks and I didn't. Now I am really hesitant to believe that my natural look is a form of self-handicapping. I have always just considered it a style choice and personal preference. But now I don't know.

That little nagging thought has me thinking that I should try harder. I haven't changed anything, but on Saturday when someone asked who I was and if I was in high school at my dad's company party, it made me think that make-up might make me look my age. And it might give me the confidence to go for the higher professional positions I know I could handle, but that my resume doesn't prove that I could.

I don't know what this musing really means, but I know that it was important. It's like the thought was just knocking at the door of my head-space. I guess I might be ready to be realistic about reality and what people--men in particular--tend to expect.

Let's be real though. I will never wear very much make-up. It's just not me. I will probably be better about washing my face every day though.