The Jess Steele Phenomenon

I've been waiting for something for a long while now. I call it "The Jess Steele Phenomenon."

A while back, my cousin and I were looking through my dad's old yearbook and were instantly taken by Jess Steele.

He was alarmingly intriguing. We needed to know everything about him. He wasn't on any teams or a member of any clubs. We speculated that he was probably too cool for high school and was in some college rock band. I mean look at that hair. My dad and her mom went to school with him, but neither of them really knew him. My dad thinks he may have been the older brother of a special needs guy in his grade. This adds immensely to his charm. All it took was this one yearbook photo to convince us we appreciated everything about the real Jess Steele. It was a shame we were a generation late.

I actually had this picture as my phone background for a few years. Creepy? Very. But it reminded me not to settle for anything. I would find my own Jess Steele. 

As much as I'd like it to be a man, my next Jess Steele could be a new passion or book. Last Christmas, it was this box.

My mom got me a necklace I'd liked from a Christmas ad, and it'd come in this most perfect box ever. The color is a little distorted in these pictures, but seriously everything about it is immaculate. I couldn't stop talking about it or let it go. A tiny, sparkly box made my Christmas morning. Side Note: I'm going to remember this anecdote next time I need to produce some evidence to prove my standards and expectations aren't too high.

I'm looking for a little magic. Something that makes me want to scream and jump up and down. I'm hoping for the real deal. The Jess Steele Phenomenon.

On the Threshold

I moved to Salt Lake City! It was time to move on and out of my parent's house, but it's making me really, very sad. It's proving harder to grow up than I expected. But I'm very calm about the whole thing. Which I am very grateful for.

And I have to say, I am pretty excited about this cute house I moved into. It has the essence of Dawson's Creek in it. I'm going to sit on the porch and ponder the idosyncracies of my young adult life and lament that my soulmate isn't around to save me. I'll probably cry some too. My landlord lives right down the street, and she seems to take care of the house and everyone in it. She will be the Grams to my Jennifer. And it's like Pacey to move forward alone, to take a stab at life without the support of people you've loved and known your whole life. (I just wish I had a Joey and Dawson to always go back to.) The wood doors remind me of Joey's dorm room and my bed reminds me of Potter's B&B, so maybe some of her will rub off on me, and I will run into my Eddie or Pacey. I don't want to wait for my life to be over.

Why I Left Provo

I left because I wanted to be the one to start the leaving. Somehow, I thought it would be easier if I initiated the breaking. Because I felt like I was the only one who would think twice about leaving and would have stayed just to be near the people who know me best. I left because I thought I was ready to stand on my own. When I said goodbye to Provo, I was at the top of my game, and I was sure I was ready to initiate the next experiences and relationships in my life.

But I didn't anticipate the lost feeling that came with graduation and the realization that I was rushing growing up for no reason. Because really I can't think of a single reason for my stagnant year at home.

Other than the practicality of saving money, which I honestly don't care very much about, this sometimes feels like a waste of a year.

My confidence was eaten up in the days of nothingness. It sometimes seemed like college never happened, that I was never the person I loved when I was at school.

Maybe the leaving didn't work because too many people I love were still in Provo. It's not fun to experience so many new things if you don't have anyone to tell. I mean really tell--in a way that goes beyond talk, just catching up, or common courtesy.


Maybe there isn't a reason for my geographical location this past year. I'm okay with that.

I guess I just wanted some clarity because I felt so strongly that Provo and I were done with each other that I thought something big was brewing.

That's yet to come to fruition.

A few weekends ago, I was visiting Provo, and I found myself missing it. It had been my home for so long, and I'd forgotten how safe the entire city felt.

But I don't want to go back. I need a good fight. I've got to conquer something real to feel on top again.

I was an Asian tourist at work today.

I'm not even going to explain myself.

Independence Day 2013

On this celebration of our Nation's beautiful independence, I would like to declare that I am almost ready to give up the complete independence of single-hood. Because whoever You are, I want to find You. Soon, if possible.

I'll be waiting with a van akin to this one. But really, what better way to travel from sea to shining sea.

The last night in Peru, I couldn't sleep because I didn't want to leave. I had found a peace in the rustic lodge outside of Puerto Maldonado, and it sent me into a state of pure happiness. So amidst the hum of the cicadas in the jungle, I listened to my iPod trying not to mourn what I would say goodbye to in the morning. And luckily I found what I needed to send me home content:

A few lines in his song.

"So are you gonna stay in the place where you started or do you wanna hold my hand in the middle of America?"

I guess this is turning into a letter to the inevitable You. So, the answer will always be yes. Let's see this gorgeous country we call home together. Because I am so proud and grateful and ultimately awed that I get to call myself an American.

Current TV Addictions

I can honestly say I enjoy Call the Midwife just as much as What Would Ryan Lochte Do? I cried during this entire scene of Smash. And I can't believe I don't have any new Doc Martin episodes to look forward to.